Ok i thought i was getting better but i forget progress is not a linear slope..... i need to be on something anything at this point Tell me why i slept at 7:30 pm-9 pm and i was waking up at 1-3 am?!?!?!??? i forgot how rock bottom sure yeah felt but This is very new?! my nervous system HAS to go there is not even a threat Dude.its ok i slept at 8 pm and woke up at 5 am ♡♡♡ anyway ive been pretty upset this past day But its for a good reason. i was talking to someone and we were talking about minecraft and what i was gonna build in these snowy peaks and we were talking about war trenches. they brought up a specific look from bf1 in a certain map and they were gonna send me some pics but then they said a slur for Japanese?! i assumed they didnt know and just said "thanks but dont say that its a slur" and they just started. Defending themselves?!?!?!?!? I wasnt even attacking them in the first place?! an important thing to note is that they are white. they then proceeded to tell me that they were referencing it in a historical context which made it okay?! for some reason?! (it doesnt) and told me how their teacher said the n slur but they didnt care because noone took offense to it which i guess made it okay in their eyes because it wasnt meant in a derogatory way, and that i was making a problem out of nothing as a result. Do people not know the weight of the words they use?!?!?!? how are you in a good position in life and have been taking history and government classes and act this way. i gave them the benefit of the doubt even after they spoke about historical context and i told them im sure they didnt mean any harm by it and they just Ruined it!!!! What is with people and thinking that they are above being offensive for whatever reason and therefore cannot be offensive. it does not matter who you are and where you come from, you need to choose your words carefully and understand them Especially in historical context! and if someone says you shouldnt say something just! dont! say it! i am sure that not being able to say that is not going to harm them in the long run. people who constantly think "its not that deep" have tarnished the way people have conversations about serious topics with one another, i am so sick of it. do not talk to me if you cant handle not saying slurs or having important and deep conversations!!!! Thanks ♡

yea its been a year i guess lamo Only gotten worse im not even going through character development yet im still living through the events to develop from :,( i cant wait for school to open up so i can think about other things and finally have some structure Again and meet some new people hopefully. being trapped in my house hasnt served me any good i went to my grocery store quite a bit to help with the fear of buying things with cards (the first time i ever used my debit card it didnt work because it didnt have a pin but i didnt know that at the time so i was super scared) and to see my friend a few times since he works there now but i just ended up in a loop of isolation because having to make every decision and needing to want to make decisions is too much for me i gues #normal#imchilling. also extreme comedic timing of every single stressful thing that could happen to you happening to you at once right as finals are coming up and when you had a messy and sudden cut off with someone very important you knew for liek 2 years. Tell me why is my moms head was Probably gonna explode and stays in the ER for the entire week of my drivers ed i was going to with less than 2 hours of sleep??? its fine though because the girl who sat next to me was so kind and wwe were kind of guacward together so i didnt ever feel uncomfortable where i sat but i dont ever want to go back Ever. these past few months have been literally Killing me and the only reason i havent done anything stupid is because 1. i had like 3 friends to talk to 2. deltarune ch5 Yay and 3. my sister who sat there and listened to me cry and complain and be vulnerable while the universe is trying to Kill Me off. Its gotten to the point where its hard for me to do the things i loved because its just a chore to me and that alone has made me upset ;-( i actually Like drawing and crocheting and making things and i hate that i cant because of stupid situational timing and me not even being able to do much about it. i wish people weren't so vague about things they want from me and i wish that people would just Tell Me before everything goes to shit and then i have to suffer too because of someone elses actions. i dont think its selfish to want to protect yourself when it comes to important conversations regarding problems whether you have a problem with someone or if someone else has one with you. also if people(Yes even if theyre your relatives or friends) are doing something bad or out of line you should probably say something about it because chances are theyre just not getting it or they think that one minor soft launch of whatever going unnoticed will lead to more slipping under the radar. i would know because i was the same way both ways!!! i swear i feel evil whenever i tell people the things they do can, will, and possibly have hurt people in the past and they just chuck it up to me saying that theyre a bad person and that i simply see them in that way and nothing will ever change. I never said you were bad i said What You Are/Were doing was bad!!!! i swear all of my environments that surround me are full of people that think they're incapable of change or turn a blind eye to the behaviors of people like that. if you do something that has wronged me, intentional or not, i am going to be hurt by it and i will tell you i was hurt by it. i have a hard time communicating with people when they think i think theyre the fucking spawn of all evil because i told them that certain things hurt me and it wasnt okay. you apologize and we talk about it!!! i dont understand. there is no need to bottle up feelings either, once people get short tempered with me when im simply talking to them and it happens to cross them the wrong way it gets harder for the both of us. If i have to hear my father defending my grandmas spending addiction or someone telling me to repair the relationship i have with my parents because theyre too lazy to initiate serious conversations with me so its technically my fault if nothing is resolved one more time i think I will lose it all 😳 i did not rot in bed for days after being compared to the person i hate the most in this world to be told its my fault i havent fixed the relationship 😳 life has been testing me but im still here and im gonna probably write more about it because my life is not even fucking serious with how things have been. its okay though im gonna be with my best friennds at school we have the same weeks together happy joy joy no more being alone in masonry and maybe ill draw more and get more happy because once im 18 im gona go to their house and hang out with them 100000000000 times to make up for the time lost. i think im done for now bye bye

okay it has been a while since ive even stared at my site and things are very very bad AUHHHHHHHH ah ah i have experienced way too many horrors and want to silently express them on the site but there is so much junk in front the computer i dont even have the motivation to so here we are. i want to make a shrine of a few things so when i get my general site cleared up and ready i can start that. anyway i think there are more horrors to come as the school year has just started up once for me and my friends TS guy) they are already suffering the horrors. why are people so mean. i need to get out of here

hello,, wow my first blog post ever things are looking bright! thank you my breast friend for basically constructing everything for me LMAO its super l8. also things are looking partially bright as my mental state is in shambles for reasons ill disclose at a later date:::::D im just happy i had the motivation to ask for help to work on this ya know,,its always been hard to stick to things for me, and right now im very happy but also i dont feel very well but!!!!i spoke to my friend on vc!!!!and we coded together and i made a tumblr account and he drew beautiful fat tenna with evil (kind) spamton. um yeah i wish i could talk about other things right now like i have alot to say but i was ordered to sleep soon i have summer homework to be doing.........AUGGGGGGGGG I DONT WANT TO SLEEP!!!!!!! i want to work on this and draw things im sooo sad:( cant a girl LIVE. okay goodnight